We all know the martyr type: someone who does a lot for others but the giving comes with strings attached. We need to feed the martyr’s self-esteem with constant praise or otherwise they give us the cold shoulder, try to make us feel guilty or like we owe an enormous debt of gratitude to them for everything they do for us – even if we didn’t ask for any of it.
This type of passive-aggressive behavior will lead to feelings of resentment and anger for both parties involved. Unresolved anger and resentment are some of the most toxic emotions for our emotional and physical health. Repressed anger will cause problems in relationships, acidify your body and can cause health problems in the long run. My body started showing symptoms of repressed anger and resentment a couple of years ago through chronic inflammation that went on for almost a year. The doctors couldn’t find anything wrong with me – no bacteria or virus whatsoever – so I knew the issue was purely emotional. Dealing with my anger and learning to set healthier boundaries so I wouldn’t continue putting myself into situations where I felt disrespected and resentful was the cure for me.
There are always two people creating any unhealthy “dance” together. Someone has to change the steps in order to create a healthier way of relating. Setting healthy boundaries and establishing new rules can be tricky and it will most certainly cause the other person to react. It can be challenging and messy at first but they’ll eventually get the hang of it. If not, perhaps it’s time to let go of that relationship because what they are basically saying to you is that they will love you as long as you are a certain way, and that is NOT love. When I had put up with being manipulated long enough and established new rules in one of my relationships, the other person got so upset, that I had to put that relationship on hold for some time. It was painful but now this person respects my personal boundaries. The best thing about it is that I can now respect myself for keeping these boundaries and I avoid feeling bitter and resentful.
If you have allowed someone to behave a certain way for years and years and you suddenly change the rules, you can be sure that they will try to manipulate you into going back to the way you were. You have to be prepared for this. They will try to push your buttons with guilt, blame, and shame. Don’t be fooled into playing their game, but stay centered in the knowing that you are being loving towards yourself by not allowing anyone to walk all over you. By changing the game, you are also giving the other person the opportunity for personal growth. When you treat others with respect, act sincerely from your heart and know that you need to set boundaries to take good care of yourself, you are not in any way responsible for other people’s feelings. You have not intended to hurt them – they are the ones who decide how they react.
Learning to set boundaries can be difficult at first if you’ve been taught to put everyone else’s needs ahead of your own and you’re the type of person who wants everyone to be happy all the time. Please don’t be too kind for your own good. I’ve coached and facilitated emotional healing for thousands of people over the years and I have seen the damage that the lack of boundaries and lack of self-love can do. In some of the most severe cases, a person has become very ill and he or she needs to do some serious cord cutting to start to heal.
You need to love yourself and respect yourself. If you’ve been biting your tongue, repressing your emotions and neglecting your own needs for many years and have come to the point that you can no longer continue living this way, it is common that you have accumulated so much anger, resentment, disappointment and feelings of unfairness that it will take a while to sort through these feelings. Once you do that, setting boundaries out of self-love – and not out of anger – will become easier and easier. Others will learn to respect you and most of all, you will learn to respect yourself.
